What not to say to a cancer patient
When you find out someone has/had cancer, I understand that it can be awkward and you might not be sure what to say. I'M HERE TO HELP!
- You will find yourself with an urge to try to relate to the cancer person and share how cancer has touched your life. That's fine, but I would suggest that you don't lead with something like this...
"Breast cancer, really? Wow. I had an aunt that died from breast cancer."
I'm pretty easy going and I see what you're trying to do there but, if I'm being honest, this is not what we want hear. In this case my suggestion would be to lie to our faces and make up some story about your best friend's cousin's sister-in-law who had cancer in her 30's, lived a long, happy and adventurous life and died of old age. We need all of the positive cancer stories we can get.
If, by chance, you catch yourself saying something like this, do not try to recover with...
"...but I'm sure things are going to turn out just fine for you."
You're just making it worse. At this point it would be a good idea to change the subject and chat about the weather. - Everyone's greatest fear, when it comes to cancer, seems to be the hair loss. I wasn't thrilled about the idea but at NO TIME did I consider skipping treatment. I pay attention to these things so I knew that I could experience things that were much worse than hair loss. Like..oh, I don't know...DEATH.
I know for a fact that there are people who would skip treatment for this reason but I think they are in the minority. As a result, I would suggest you don't compliment a cancer patient on their strength in the face of BALDNESS.You should, however, feel free to admire their strength in the face of: - Fear
- Extreme nausea
- Extreme fatigue
- Pain
- Needles...lots of needles
- Staples
- Scalpels
- Scans
- Scars
- Bad news
- Insomina
...all at the same time.
Cancer patients are pretty bad ass individuals, with or without hair! - Stay away from any sentence that begins with the words, "If I were you..."
Here's the thing, you are, in fact, NOT ME, so you've lost me before you complete the sentence. It is perfectly fine to talk to me about what you think you would or would not do but those 4 words mean you are judging my choices. Not cool.
- If you are a frequent visitor to my world, you already know this one, but I feel it is appropriate to address this again. There is a word you haven't seen on this page nor will you see it unless I'm complaining about it. I ask that you be mindful of your use of the word survivor. I have many issues with the use of this word. If you would like to read my full post about it, I can dig up the date for you, but the short version is this...
Though, at last check, there was no sign of cancer in my body, I'm still a cancer patient. I'm under the care of multiple doctors for the next 5 years. I'm taking medication daily for the next 5-10 years, in hopes of minimizing the risk of recurrence. My point is that I did not fight off cancer, any more than someone who passed away let the disease take them. If you say I'm a survivor then it makes it sound like I fought harder than someone who died. Not true.
In addition to that, I don't want to be jinxed (there's a post somewhere about my fear of tempting fate). It doesn't feel right to say I'm a survivor because there's always a risk. I'm a cancer patient, plain and simple. I keep my chin up and I laugh a lot, but I cry too. I mourn the loss of some the toughest people I've met who ultimately "lost their battle". I hate that term too, by the way, but that's a whole other post. :-) - Breast reconstruction and a cosmetic breast augmentation are NOT the same thing. Most people don't know that. I knew they were different but I had no idea how different until I met with the plastic surgeon. It's not fun or exciting and I won't have a rack worthy of a centerfold spread...ever. As a result, there's no need to give your opinion on the size of the implant you think the cancer patient should get. In my case, for instance, the size of implant will be determined by how well my skin holds up to the expanders. Nice, right?
You might think this is like a parting gift for making it this far. That couldn't be further from the truth.
That's it for today. I'll be back to share more insight.
Love to all,
Andee