Yes, I have some dirty little secrets.
SCANDALOUS!
Not really, because I'm just about as boring a human being as anyone has ever met. But, as often happens here on the blog, I'm going to share with you...my friends...the things I don't ever talk about. It's not about pride or anything like that. I just don't like to focus on the more challenging aspects of being a cancer patient. The treatment experience had its challenges but all of those were expected. The post-treatment world presents me with something new on a regular basis. I don't want anyone facing the Big C, in whatever form, thinking that treatment ends and life returns to normal. It's not awful, it's just different. I believe that attitude plays an even more important role after treatment but I find it more of a challenge to focus on the positive. That sounds much more depressing than it should. Let me explain.
Tonight we will cover two.
SCANDALOUS!
Not really, because I'm just about as boring a human being as anyone has ever met. But, as often happens here on the blog, I'm going to share with you...my friends...the things I don't ever talk about. It's not about pride or anything like that. I just don't like to focus on the more challenging aspects of being a cancer patient. The treatment experience had its challenges but all of those were expected. The post-treatment world presents me with something new on a regular basis. I don't want anyone facing the Big C, in whatever form, thinking that treatment ends and life returns to normal. It's not awful, it's just different. I believe that attitude plays an even more important role after treatment but I find it more of a challenge to focus on the positive. That sounds much more depressing than it should. Let me explain.
Tonight we will cover two.
Dirty Little Secret #1 - Anxiety
It sneaks up on you. You find yourself stressing about all manner of things. I tend to get anxious about recurrence. I went through a phase a few months back where I thought about cancer every minute of every day. I'm not even exaggerating. It was a pretty dark period. When you have that level of anxiety it begins to take its toll on you physically. I would have moments in the day when I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. It felt as if someone wrapped a band around my chest and pulled it tight. It got a bit scary. At the time, I kept thinking "oh dear, it's in my lungs!". (For those who don't know, when breast cancer travels, it tends to go the brain, liver, bones or lungs). I "knew" it. The next time I saw my doctor I asked him about recurrence and what to look for, etc. We had a great talk and he put me at ease. I also put myself back in the mental space where I decided I would focus on what I could control and the rest would be in God's hands. The symptoms went away instantly. INSTANTLY!
It happened again in the days leading up to my CT last week. As I mentioned, any sort of scan or test ramps up the worry. "Will they find something?" I had pain in my chest (surgical area, not heart), my neck was stiff, I felt a milder version of the "band around the chest" sensation I mentioned before. I realized this time that is was probably anxiety but that didn't make it go away. I received my results on Friday night and woke up on Saturday feeling like a whole new person.
I'm sure this cycle will repeat itself for the rest of my life. Each time I'm getting a little better and dealing with it. I can only speak for myself but I think this is probably quite normal. If you're dealing with it, talk about it, address it. Carrying it all around and trying to deal with it on your own might not be enough. I have a great husband who serves as my listener/therapist but I'm not afraid to go pro if I feel like it's necessary. If that happens, y'all would know about it. ;-)
Dirty Little Secret #2 - Pain
I don't talk about this at all. In the past few days I've mentioned it to a couple of people but typically I just deal with it and accept that it is part of my life now. My surgical site, specifically my left side (the lymph node side) hurts. The site of incision is numb but the area under my arm and down my side hurts all day every day. It's tender to the touch, and by that I mean if I sleep on my left side for a lengthy period, I'll be sore for days. and sometimes it's just bad. For me, it's unpleasant and can be very painful but I don't need medication. I accept it and tolerate it. Most days aren't so bad but it's always there. Today it's achy and a mild burning pain. I'll spare you the technical explanation but nerves can be damaged during the mastectomy and about half of all women who have had a mastectomy will experience Post Mastectomy Pain Syndrome...yes it has a name. Though I had a bilateral mastectomy, I only have pain on the left. Thank you for small favors!
Remember, everything isn't perfect. Cancer sucks. Treatment sucks. Side effects suck. BUT
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Back tomorrow.
Love to all,
Andee