"Where's Andee?" and "If this is a test, am I passing?"

Where's Andee?

We live a pretty normal, average, maybe boring life and we LOVE IT.   I've never been a party person and have no regrets about that. That said, I'm now experiencing, what I think of, as a series of "Lost Weekends". Treatment has been quite different than what I expected.  Any nausea is kept in check by my meds but the fatigue is serious. I have treatment on Wednesday, go to sleep on Thursday and wake up on Monday. That is an oversimplification, of course, because I do wake up to walk and eat but I sleep A LOT!! So if you hear crickets on the blog every other Thursday through Monday, you know why.   And yes, it does totally mess with your perception of time. I'm sitting here thinking, I have my third treatment a week from today - didn't I just have my second one??

If this is a test, am I passing?

As you might expect, I have a spent some time pondering how a cancer diagnosis has impacted my life, my faith, my attitude, my family and what type of person I'll be when I come out on the other side. Deep, right? People have commented on my attitude - I'm not sure what to say to those comments. I am who I am. I'm not trying to be a certain way, it's just me. It takes very little effort...trust me. Anyway, I started to think about the whole situation and what my attitude COULD be. Let's review...

• Past challenges (we won't list them again)
• Cancer diagnosis
• Treatment plan that will span the remainder of 2014
• Missed a charity event that is very dear to me due to treatment
• Missed NICU reunion that was very important to me due to treatment
• Missed my baby girl's first dance class (and probably all remaining classes for the semester) due to treatment
• I'm all bruises, scars and defective human parts
• All the things that make me feminine are currently MIA - wait, I have eyelashes!!
• I lose 10 days out of every month to sleep due to treatment and burden my husband and family with picking up all the things I drop
• I have a horrible memory (thanks Chemo Brain!)
• I miss my work family and feeling like I contribute to a greater good

Wow - that sounds kinda grim yet, I'm still happy. What in the wide world of sports is wrong with me? I should be angry, bitter, ticked off, I deserve pity, sympathy...OH WOE IS ME! NOPE!  I see how you might think that but let's check the other side of the ledger, shall we...

• I'm vertical and breathing
• My husband, against all logic, hugs me, kisses me and tells me he loves me every single day. He carries on each day and doesn't complain that I'm defective nor does he treat me like a sick person (that's good because I ain't sick!!).  I could write a book about my love for this man, his strength and his love for his family...but I won't embarrass him...not today, anyway.
• Though I might have chosen an easier road to get there, I'm getting to spend time with my family that I would not otherwise have been able to.
• Though I'm missing out on things now, I believe that better things are to come and the sacrifices I'm making now will lead to even more amazing things next year!
• I honestly feel like I'm going to come out of this like Steve Austin....better, stronger, faster

• My self image will only be better. I can look at myself in the mirror without the "girls", no hair, and all scars and bruises and SMILE! This journey has already made me stronger. Watch out world - once I've been through this, I'll be even tougher. 
• I've heard through the grapevine that I've inspired other women to face their fears and do that self exam or get a mammogram. Seriously - what's not to love about that?!? You go girls!!!
• I hope my children gain something from this journey - you don't have to be a victim. There is always something which is under your control, in some cases it may only be your attitude. Take that control and LIVE!!
• I have a work family that is super supportive and will give me the opportunity to jump back in and contribute as soon as I am able. That means SOOOOOOO much!

So, other than the whole cancer thing, this is going to turn out to be a net gain for me. Who would have thought?

Love to all,

Andee