Breast cancer...aren't you scared?

Right now, the easy answer is no. Really. Now, let's go back a few months and get real. I've been honest about the number of times I've cried over my diagnosis...I think the count is 3.

• When I called Bobby to tell him I had found something
• When I LOST MY MIND while waiting on the biopsy results
• The day we told the family.

The day I "lost my mind" was pretty terrifying. I was scared. There's no other way to explain it. I kept it together through the testing (have I mentioned that I knew I had breast cancer in the first 10 minutes of my tests without anyone telling me?  That's an interesting story). I do well with facts and knowns. At the end of the full day of testing, I had a consultation with a nurse who explained next steps. I was fine until she said that the biopsy results would tell us the type of cancer, the growth rate and if it started in the breast or came from somewhere else. I wasn't ready for that - the part about the cancer being somewhere else, not the other stuff.  I then had to wait 24 hours for the results. So what sticks in my head during that whole time? Do I have a crazy source tumor lurking somewhere else? If I do, how long has it been growing? What will I do if they tell me that I have only months left to live? My kids need me! Yes, friends, your constantly upbeat, hard headed, laughing, tough cancer buddy went to Jello. I could not process that I was "fine" 24 hours before but could find out that I was terminal 24 hours later. Sadly, my dear husband, who had come home from work at my request, had to witness this whole "come apart". It was not pretty. I remember being curled up on the floor, crying and telling him I didn't want them to tell me it was and that I only had months. Cancer is a CRAZY thing.
As you know by now, I did not have a source tumor anywhere else. The cancer started where we found it and you can go back and read the rest of the blog posts if you need more detail than that.  :-)
For now, I'm in a very different place. I'm getting through treatment and planning as if I'm going to complete the heavy stuff before the end of the year, move on to maintenance/prevention and hope that I never have to deal with this again. On the other hand, I'm realistic. There is always a chance that it could come back or show up in another location. No guarantees but I'm really not scared. None of us are guaranteed any time and you could sit around all day everyday and fear everything. You would never leave the house or do anything adventurous. You can't live like that. I'm not going to waste time worrying about "what if". I'll worry about it if they say, "We've found something."  Until then, I have a family to care for and a life to live. Why in the world would I waste time with worrying and miss out on what's here and now and WONDERFUL?!?

Have a blessed day my friends, life is beautiful. Don't miss out!

Love to all,
Andee