Some of us have a complicated relationship with Mother’s Day. I wrote this a decade ago and repost it every year in support of those with similar experiences.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Define Mother
It should be pretty easy, right? I used to think so but then life happened. People who haven't been through infertility or loss of a child probably don't think twice about what makes a mom. Six years ago it became a very confusing and difficult concept for me. Mother's Day became a horrible thing. Don't get me wrong, I recognize the day but I have a whole new perspective on it. So, you may ask, why the heck could it be so difficult to define "mom" and what's so bad about Mother's Day. Well let me tell you.
Imagine that you lost your first baby and a few months later, here comes Mother's Day. Your family and friends seem very uncomfortable around you. Do they wish you a happy Mother's Day or simply remain silent. It's a no win situation for everyone - if they mention it you could have one of those spontaneous emotional breakdowns. If they don't, they might feel bad about avoiding the subject. It's so awkward. I also had a really hard time when people asked if Bobby and I had any children. You don't want to go into your crazy mixed up medical history and explain that your defective body generated a tumor the size of softball which caused you to lose an otherwise healthy baby. But you feel a tinge of guilt for not acknowledging your child existed. This stuff will mess with you, I swear.
By the next Mother's Day, I had been told that my surgery was so invasive that we wouldn't be able to have any more children. The pregnancy we lost due to the "tumor from Hell" would be our only one unless we chose to put ourselves through In Vitro. No, thank you. I've had enough tests, needles, procedures, specialists and heartbreak to last a lifetime.
Obviously we were blessed with 2 little miracles (and I don't use that word lightly) but I'm still hyper-sensitive to how painful that day can be for some people. To be honest, it's not my favorite day of the year. I love my babies but even with all that I have, that day reminds me what's missing. I feel pain for all those women who want so badly to have children but, for whatever the reason, cannot. I feel for all those who have lost a child. I can totally relate to women who would rather hide for one weekend in May.
So think about it - what makes someone a Mom? Does motherhood begin at conception, when you're showing, when the baby is delivered, do you have to spend so much time with that baby before you're a mom?You may consider yourself a mom when the rest of society does not. Not as easy as you thought, is it?